Time To Wash Up
Mood:  silly
Topic: Lauren
No it's not time for Lauren to have a bath. Well, it is, but that's not what this is about.

This is about that poor little boy who went to see baby Jesus - Lauren sang me the song about him yesterday. They told him to come, rub a dub; He was so poor he had no gift to bring, rub a dub; so he played his drum and the baby smiled at him, rub a dub. She did add a line to the song (not in any version I've ever heard) that he was joined there by three men in a tub - must have been the wise men - so at least he wasn't poor, dirty, AND lonely.

Actually, now that I think about it, perhaps it would be a good idea for that little drummer boy to join the deer and the antelope out where they make their home. That would be, of course, in the rain.

Pass the soap please :-)

It Gets Me Every Time
Mood:  special
Topic: Lauren
Sometimes I swear my daughter is really my mother come back in a new body.

As mentioned in Another Whole Year Passes, I found out I was pregnant with Lauren the day my mother died. After Lauren was born, she was so much my mother, I could not, and still can not, believe it. From the day she was born, her hands and fingers are the spitting image of my mother's. She moves her feet in the exact same way my mother moved hers - rotating in little circles. When Lauren was 9 months old we snapped a picture of her playing in her MegaSaucer and she looked so much like my mom, it was uncanny.

Well, it happened again over the weekend. We put up our Christmas tree and for the past two days Lauren has been pointing out her favorite ornaments to me. She picks my mother's ornaments that I now have. They were my mother's favorites as well.

A Senseless Tragedy
Mood:  sad
It's been over a week now and I just cannot get her out of my mind.

Last week Tuesday, a young woman jumped from the roof of a building located a block away. She worked there as a security guard and it happened in the early morning.

She fell 41 floors.

She was 25 years old.

She left behind a one month old baby.

My immediate thought was post-partum depression. I wonder if she was getting help or if she was suffering in silence. If not, I wonder if just one person would have said one little thing, she would have sought help. I wonder if anyone noticed anything at all.

And now, for some reason, not a single day goes by that I do not think of this woman and her child. I feel so sorry for her family, especially that little baby.

Awww...Part II
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Lauren
Wow! This morning I rated three hugs and four kisses! Nothing tugs on you more than your sleepy child wanting you to stay home next to her in a nice warm bed.

I should have stayed home...

Awww...
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Lauren
As I was about to leave for work this morning, I heard Lauren start crying for me from our bed. I went back in to give her a hug and tell her I had to leave for work. With her eyes still closed, she hugged me and said she didn't want me to go. When I said I had to, that I would see her later, and I loved her, she said to wait because she had to give me a kiss. It was so sweet and tugged at my heartstrings.

I miss you and love you Lauren!

He's Here - Part II
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Lauren
She did it! She sat on Santa's lap!

We arrived at the mall on Saturday with the intention of visiting the indoor playground, but we noticed right away there was a very short line to see Santa. We hopped in and started our wait. Lauren went on and on about what she was going to tell him - she was so excited she could hardly contain herself. She was actually jumping up and down at one point, LOL! We inched closer and finally we were up next. Of the two small boys in front of us, one cried and one would only get as far as Santa's leg and only if his dad was with him. Lauren made note of all of it pointing out how the baby was crying and the other boy was probably nervous. Then it was her turn and she slowly walked up to Santa. He reached out to pick her up and she hesitated, but for only a second. Then she was there, on his lap, and she was watching him as he talked to her. I heard her say in a very quiet voice that she wanted a kitty. Santa said he couldn't bring her a kitty because it was too cold in the north pole (which I thought was a good response), would a stuffed kitty be ok? Lauren nodded. Then she clammed up. I couldn't get her to say dominoes and checkers, but what the hay...I was so proud of her for going up there even though she was nervous. So, my baby has had her first successful visit to Santa :-)

He's Here!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Lauren
Here it is a month later (see Guess Who's Coming) and it's official. Lauren and I were at the mall over the last weekend and in her words, "We saw Santa's workshop!". She kept repeating that all night long. I explained to her about sitting on Santa's lap and telling him what she wants for Christmas. She said she didn't know what she would tell him, but after a few minutes she came up with dominoes and a "checkergame".

Since that day, she has mentioned numerous times that she is a bit nervous about visiting with Santa. She continually asks if other kids are nervous. I reassure her that there are many kids who are nervous and it's OK to be nervous. She can still talk to Santa even if she's nervous. I can picture our trip now. We get to the mall along with a billion other families, wait in line for hours along with hundreds of other families, finally walk through the maze...and she won't go sit on his lap.

But it won't matter. It won't matter because this is the first Christmas where she truly gets the whole santa thing and it is blowing her away. I cannot describe the pure joy in her voice and the excitement flowing through her little body. It dawned on me the other day as I thought about not getting a tree and not decorating - it is going to be Lauren that will keep me doing the Xmas thing even when it seems too much trouble and not worth the energy. We're going to go to the parade, go to Marshall Fields to see their big animated display, drive around looking at lights, play Christmas music, and watch all the Christmas shows on tv. I am going to be seeing the holiday season through my child's eyes. I am going to tap into her joy and excitement and it is going to be wonderful.

May everyone enjoy this holiday season with the enthusiasm and happiness of a young child!

Girls Vs Ladies
Mood:  happy
Topic: Lauren
While visiting my aunt in Pittsburgh over the weekend, I overheard the following conversation between my 3 yr old daughter and my aunt.

Lauren: Where are we going?

JW: We're going to visit the girls at work and bring them cookies. (Then JW thinks Lauren will think there will actually be young girls at work so she changes her answer)

JW: We're going to visit the ladies at work and bring them cookies.

Lauren: Why did you say that?

JW: What?

Lauren: You said girls, then you said ladies.

JW: Sometimes we call ladies girls. Girls are young ladies who want to be older so they can be called ladies. Ladies are girls who are old enough to be ladies but want to be called girls. How about you? Are you a lady or a girl?

Lauren: Well, I'll just be a princess.


Hmmm...I guess sometimes it all comes down to who gets the best clothes :-)

Travels With Diane
Mood:  special
Now Playing: A Few Memories...
Topic: Family and Friends
I'll never forget the time we went to East Germany before the wall came down. We were on a train headed for some city and found out that we were not going to make it by the time the hotel would close for the evening. So we stopped in a small town that had a hotel near the station, spent the night, and were on our way the following day. While on the train as we perused the travel info we brought along, I came across the following: "Warning - never attempt to stay in a city for which you have no visa!" OMG - That was just what we were doing! We formulated a simple plan. When we arrived in Berlin, we would go directly to the US Embassy. We got out our maps, found where it was located, and hightailed it over there. Needless to say, the place was very secure. We stood at the door and spoke to someone through the intercom. We held up our passports to verify we were US citizens and the door unlocked with a loud click. Once inside we went up to the man sitting behind bulletproof glass and were greeted with cheery, southern, "Hey where y'all from?". We told our story and were informed that the worst that would have happened was when we were crossing through Checkpoint Charlie, they would have detained us for a while. Later when we did pass through the checkpoint, a guard let me keep a coin - totally against the rules - and I sweated that one out until I got to the western side of the line.

One year we decided to make a foray into Hungary. We obtained the appropriate one-day visa and headed over. Man, oh man, was it crowded at the train station. There were people selling their clothes in the streets - my mom swore she had seen a t-shirt that had been selling back home in the department store where she worked. Little did we know that was the day after the borders had opened in some of the communist countries. It was unbelievable and it was incredibly dirty. It also never dawned on us that the Hungarian language didn't look anything like English/German/Spanish/Italian/French as far as letters were concerned. We could not read a single sign. We did manage to find someone who could tell us where to catch a bus to get to Fertod where there was a castle we wanted to see. We hopped on the bus. Well, 90 minutes and 5 Fertods later, the bus driver motioned for us to get off. We were at the castle, enjoyed the tour, and managed to get back to the train station in time for the train back to Austria.

Then there was the time we went to Amsterdam - the sex city of the world. Near the train station is the red light district where the sex trade is in full swing. Naturally we were curious, so we decided we would walk through it - during the safety of daylight hours. It seemed to work like window shopping. The women sit in windows and people walk by looking them over, deciding what they want. As we passed by one window, I noticed it wasn't a woman, but a man inside. I asked my mom if she had seen it and she said no. She didn't believe me, so I told her to go back and look. She ran back past the window, turned around, and calmly walked by as if she hadn't just been past two minutes earlier! I just about died laughing.

There are many more where these came from. We both knew and acknowlegded how incredibly lucky we were - to be able to travel to Europe so many times and to not have anything go really wrong. Sure we missed trains, missed seeing some of the things we wanted, and my mom had her passport stolen once, but we enjoyed every minute of our travels - even if some of the enjoyment didn't hit until we were home safe and sound.

Thanks for the memories Mom!!

Another Whole Year Passes
Mood:  sad
Topic: Family and Friends
This time of year always gets to me. This Sunday, November 14th, will be the 4th anniversary of my mother's death. I can still remember every detail as if it were yesterday. To this day, I still do not have pictures of her on display in my house. It is just too painful.

I usually start feeling blue about a month before the actual anniversary date and it continues up until the date. It's funny because once the 14th is here, it doesn't feel as intense. It's just the month leading up to it. Actually, it just dawned on me - the cycle is just as it happened four years ago. A months worth of the most intense sadness knowing that this time the end really was near and then a new stage of grief when it finally happened. Not as intense, but still very sad.

My mom was a wonderful lady. She was always cheerful, courteous, and kind. She had a great sense of humor. She was also very determined and stubborn! She liked to crochet and she loved to travel. Thanks to her I've been to almost every state in the US and many countries in Europe.

I made two promises to her during the final days of her long battle with breast cancer - if I ever had a daughter, I would give her a middle name of Marie, and I would see to it that some of her ashes made it in to Trevi Fountain in Rome.

The day my mom died I learned I was pregnant. I was able to tell her, although I'm not sure she really understood. I now have a daughter whose middle name is Marie.

I have some of my mother's ashes sitting in a film canister (smile - wanderluster that she was, she would have loved the idea) waiting to be taken to Rome. Yes, I know it's illegal to put anything into Trevi Fountain, but who's to say I can't be sitting on the edge changing the film in my camera when all of a sudden the canister falls into the fountain? ;-) When it happens, she'll be sitting by my side, laughing.