Mother's Day
Mood:  happy
Topic: Cool
This year, as every year since I started participating in 1998, the Race for the Cure was held on Mother's Day. The first time I took part was six months after my mother's cancer had returned and I ran in the 5K. There was a point in the route where you turned a corner and could see about a half mile ahead to almost the end. It was filled with people and I mean filled! It was a sea of white shirts, pink shirts, and pink caps and it was awesome. I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the run. In fact, there was one point when I really had to pull it together or I wasn't going to be able to keep running. Every year since then I have participated and for the last 3 years Lauren has participated with me.

This year the race was moved to a mall with more space which is much further from our house and made it much more difficult to get there by 9am. So instead of being there on Sunday, Lauren and I went to the Kids Fun Run for the Cure on Saturday. Lauren was so excited to be running in the race and she did a great job being around so many people. As we stood at the starting line, I had my moment of teary eyes. When I had inconspicuously removed the tears from my eyes, I looked down into Lauren's face and noticed the look she gets when she is about to cry. I’m not sure why she was feeling that way and I didn’t stop to ask. If I had she would have started crying and then we wouldn’t have been able to run. Besides, I don’t think she would have known or been able to articulate the reason anyway. So we got back into warming up to “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes”, ran the short race, and Lauren collected her medal. Then we spent the afternoon together in the Mall of America. Grandmother (I’m sure she was with us in spirit), Mother, and Daughter.

A note about the tears: they are not necessarily because I miss my mom. I do miss her and am saddened that she is not here with us, but the tears are really from so many people gathering together in one place to honor those they’ve lost, to celebrate those who are still with them, and to work toward a cure for breast cancer. It’s getting closer every day.

To the many people who offer their time and money to support the fight against and the search for a cure for breast cancer – the event coordinators, the sponsors, and the participants - Thank you!

"Apostrophes would be out of control!"
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Rants
"The University of Minnesota's Great Apostrophe Debate is over, and defenders of the much-maligned punctuation mark are in mourning." (See story here) Thankfully, we won’t have to go running down the street screaming “The apostrophes are coming! The apostrophes are coming!” For Laukka it may be "…more fun than anything", but there is a much more serious undercurrent going on here.

Personally, I happen to agree wholeheartedly with Ms. Carlson - the apostrophe would make the walkway appear exclusive. In my opinion, the promotion of any form of exclusivity is the last thing needed, especially when, at the same time, there is a strategic planning proposal to close the General College. General College has been around for almost 75 years and its mission is “to develop, through teaching, research, and service, the potential for baccalaureate education in students who are serious about fulfilling their previously undeveloped or unrecognized academic promise”. In other words, General College students do not come from families of doctors, lawyers, and CEOs, but aspire to be doctors, lawyers, and CEOs. Forty percent of the University's freshmen students of color are in General College and they come from the inner cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul and from rural, greater Minnesota. So the U wants to become one of the leading postsecondary educational institutions in the world - a world class institution. Well, it’s been said that diversity is what makes a world class institution just that and closing General College is eliminating an excellent source of diversity.

I can just picture poor Mr. Laukka over in the corner licking his wounds. Perhaps the Board of Regents should join him there.

Hi Mom!
Mood:  special
Topic: Family and Friends
They say when you smell flowers and there aren't any nearby, it's a deceased loved one come to visit. I've had that happen only once - after my mother died. Today I decided the same could apply to music. I posted a few weeks ago about how music can really take one back, but this wasn't quite like that. This wasn't because of something I was listening to. This was hearing music when there is no radio/stereo/person singing nearby. Just this morning I was thinking about how I could use a miracle in my life right about now, then this afternoon I was sitting here working away and this song popped into my head - in my mom's voice. I had to go on the internet to find the words:

I Love You Truly

I love you truly, truly dear,
life with its sorrow, life with its tear,
fades into dreams when I feel you are near,
for I love you truly,
truly dear!

A love 'tis something, to feel your kind hand,
Ah yes, 'tis something, by your side to stand,
gone is the sorrow, gone doubt and fear,
for you love me truly,
truly dear!


My mom and dad had it as one of the songs in their wedding ceremony. I remember how she used to sing it during our "concerts" while we drove 700 miles from WI to PA to visit my grandmother.

I think a loved one just came to visit.

Grandma's Turn
Mood:  sad
Topic: Family and Friends
Yes, you read that right. Now it's my Grandma's turn. Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of her death.

My grandmother was truly an amazing person. Many times I thought if I could be like anyone in this world, I would want to be like her. She was such a giving woman, not necessarily financially because she didn’t have a lot of money, but emotionally, spiritually, and socially. She visited many times throughout my mother’s struggle with cancer, often staying for months at a time. When my dad passed away, she traveled from PA to WI to be with us for his funeral. The three of us kids may have been in our 30’s, but we were parentless and feeling lost in our grief, and it meant a great deal to us that she and my aunt would drive 700 miles to be with us at that time.

She was very adventuresome. She convinced us to take our first camping trip. We surely would have been in big trouble had she not invited the foreign student renting a room in her house to join us because he was the one that got the fire burning and kept it going. She traveled abroad both with my mom, my aunt, and me and alone (when she was in her 70s!).
She was also very artistic and loved to paint nature scenes. She especially loved sunrises and sunsets. Whenever we see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, we always think of her and how she must have painted that just for us to let us know that she’s with us and will continue to help us in any way she can.

Birds Of A Feather
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Lauren
Not too long ago I posted about the books we love. Of course I only mentioned books Lauren and I read together, but it only makes sense that if Lauren loves books, she must have learned it from someone. Yes, that would be me! I happened upon this little article when getting on the internet this morning. So, not only do we love to read, but we love to do it in the best possible place :-)

Say What?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Lauren
As Lauren and I were taking a walk yesterday, she asked me "When I was little, did you want to carry me?" So, of course, I said I wanted to carry her. Then she said "No, not carry, kill"

WHAT????

I had to find out what the hell she was talking about so, after telling her that that was ridiculous and I would never, ever want to kill her, I proceeded to ask her all the usual questions about who would say that and where she heard it. Get this...she heard it on Sesame Street of all places! She said Big Bird said that he wanted to kill Baby Bear. I said she must have misunderstood, but she was adamant, Big Bird wanted to kill.

She must have misunderstood, but if she didn't...what is this world coming to when you have to sensor Sesame Street?!

Books! Books! Books!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Books
We love to read. Here are some of our favorites:

Shel Silverstein
The Giving Tree
The Missing Piece
The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

Kevin Henkes
Chrysanthemum
Weekend With Wendell
Chester's Way
Lily's Purple Plastic Purse

Maurice Sendak
Where the Wild Things Are
In the Night Kitchen

Mo Williams
Don't Let the Pidgeon Drive the Bus

Mercer Mayer
Little Critter series
There's a Nightmare in My Closet

Jez Alborough
Where's My Teddy?
My Friend Bear

Sarah Wilson
Love and Kisses

Susan Heyboer O'Keefe
One Hungry Monster

Alternate Transportation Please
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Cool
I started out on a 3 hour drive (work related) expecting to listen to the radio. Unfortunately, about an hour in, I found I could not get any (and I mean any) stations to come in. Thankfully, I had a Stevie Ray Vaughn CD and a cheesy Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack to occupy my time. I also had two CDs of children's songs, sung in children's voice, but I just didn't want those. After listening to the soundtrack once and Stevie two or three times, I knew I would need something new for the return trip to help keep me awake. After my work was finished, I worked my way through the CD section at Target where nothing really jumped out at me. Although I love classical music, and there are certainly selections that would keep me awake, I didn’t really want it. I also did not want any of the sets of dance, hip hop, or hard rock music. I ended up with Lynryd Skynryd and I knew it was the perfect choice when the first song started - Sweet Home Alabama. Then there was Gimme Three Steps, which is my favorite from the CD, Saturday Night Special and the famous Free Bird. It was the perfect mix of blues, rock, and honky tonk and not only did it bring me home, it brought me home baby. It brought me back to freshman year of my college days when I used to hit the bars where one band in particular would play. I can still picture the people I hung with and the dance moves we performed at certain parts of different songs. It brought back Spanish class conversation time when I mentioned that I liked Lynryd Skynryd and another student piped up with his comment on how it was “musica de droga”. It is so cool how music can take one back.

It also got me thinking...if I were a famous musician, I’d think twice before traveling by plane. Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, Otis Redding, John Denver…

Dad's Turn
Mood:  blue
Topic: Family and Friends
I posted about my mom for the 4th anniversary of her death, so now it's my dad's turn. Today is the 4th anniversary of his death from lung cancer.

My dad didn't have the easiest life. He was the 8th of 10 children in a family of drinkers/smokers and he followed in those footsteps. He eventually quit drinking and smoking, but it had done it's damage both physically and emotionally. He didn't really show much in the way of emotions and he didn't talk much either, but underneath the hard exterior he was really just a big softy.

He enjoyed camping and made the best scrambled eggs and bacon over a campfire. He enjoyed a good prank and good game of Canasta. He really enjoyed bowling, was a member of numerous leagues, and was extremely good at it. I like the story about the time he was on his way to a 300 - the perfect game. It takes 12 strikes in a row to have a perfect game. My dad had rolled 11 and as he went up for his final ball, another member of his team said "Here's your 300 Bill". That was enough to throw him off and he missed by two pins. His score came to 298. He enjoyed spending time with his two grandsons and he was the only person that said I would have a girl. I'm sure Lauren would be treasure to him. In fact, on one of my visits, when I was 4 months pregnant, I took him to get groceries. Weak from chemo and having difficulty breathing, he refused to let me carry in the groceries. He insisted on doing it himself because he didn't want me to take the chance of losing a third baby. I told him I was past the miscarriage point, but he teared up and said it was just too important. Tears from a man who never showed his emotions.

My fondest memory of him will always be my first trip home from college. It was for Thanksgiving break and the minute I walked in the door he came over and gave me the biggest hug I ever remember him giving.

I can still feel it now.

I'm Ready But I'm Not Ready
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Lauren
I will be going away for a couple of days for work starting tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm very excited and relieved to finally have some time to myself. I’ll be free to be alone and enjoy what I want to enjoy pretty much when I want to enjoy it (aside from the work part of the trip). I will get a good night sleep with no interruptions because Lauren wants a drink or is hungry or has to pee. I’m hoping to wake up feeling refreshed – something that has not happened probably since I married.

On the other hand, I'm nervous and leery. What if DH, who sleeps by himself because he stays up very, very late, doesn’t take my place with Lauren and she is alone. Or what if DH, because he’s used to sleeping alone, gets no sleep at all?

And I'm sad. This will be the first time I’ll be away from my baby girl overnight - ever. It has been 3 yrs, 8 months, and 17 days since Lauren was born and while I have not always co-slept in the same bed as her, I have always slept in the same room. I won’t get her goodnight kisses nor will I get to feel her little body cuddled up next to mine. And my biggest fear of all, albeit a ridiculous and total improbability – what if Lauren doesn’t miss me?