And Then There Was Light
Mood:  cool
Speaking of Lauren's reaction when she finally understands today, tonight, and tomorrow brought back memories of the times I tutored students and saw the proverbial light bulb go on.

I started tutoring when I was in the 6th grade. Every Tuesday and Thursday I would go to other side of the school where the 3rd grade classes were held and I would tutor a few students in reading. I don't really remember how it began, whether I volunteered or I was volunteered by my teacher, but I thought it was fun. My next stint wasn't until my college years when the Spanish professor asked me to help out. I jumped at the chance because I remembered the fun I'd had way back when. Besides, it was considered work study and I would be paid! Some students just wanted someone to help with vocabulary memorization, some needed a bit more help with grammatical concepts, and some needed more help than I thought I could give. One man in particular was so in over his head; I often wondered why he didn't just give up and I have to admit, at times, I felt like steering him toward that end. He was older, a professional student, and he had the hardest time with even the simplest of concepts. Over and over again I tried to explain the difference between the verbs ser and estar (both mean to be, but ser indicates permanence while estar does not) and this gentleman simply could not grasp the concept. I will never forget the day he finally understood. I wanted to jump up and down and shout to the whole campus.

It was during these college years that I really began to "see" the students as they learned. I noticed many a look of frustration and determination on faces and in eyes as they struggled to create a grammatically correct sentence or simply to memorize vocabulary. But I also witnessed the joy, the pride, and the relief when they finally got it! You know what? It really does look like a light goes on and light spreads over their entire faces :-) I think I enjoyed their successes as much as they did. Although, in reality, I'm sure not even half as much.

Fess Up
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Lauren
Have you ever pulled a Calvin and Hobbes and tried to confuse your kids just for the fun of it? I love when Calvin's father does that! Or, hey, we could start our own game "Boggle Her Mind" aka Name That Tune. I can name that tune in four notes - I can boggle her mind in four words. Then tell her that tomorrow will be today.

Is Today Tonight?
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Lauren
That is my all time favorite question from Lauren.

She generally asks it when we say she can watch a movie "tonight" and really, it makes sense in her world. She wants to know if that means she gets to watch one yet today, before she goes to bed. The other question I like is "Do you have to work tonight?" when she really means do you have to work tomorrow. Again it makes sense in her world since it's dark when I climb out of bed in the morning and to Lauren, dark equals night.

I've explained that one day is made up of a morning, afternoon, and evening, but the minute I mention a tonight, all bets are off. She shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't get it." So, I haven't quite hit upon the answer that will bring it all together for her, but, oh, when I do. I just can't wait to see her eyes twinkle and her smile brighten up her beautiful little face.

An Ass IsAn Ass Is An Ass
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Rants
I am embarrassed to say I’m from MN right now. In fact, I’m going to stop saying it. I’m going to say I’m from WI and live in MN (which is true). In case you haven’t heard, you can read about it here - the second page has most of the printable detail. If the allegations are true, then there are more than a few Minnesota Viking football players that deserve some punishment and not the slap on the wrist kind either. The good old fashioned kind. The “know you’ve done something wrong and you’re in big trouble now” kind. The “sweat it out until dad comes home” kind. As embarrassed as I am though, if having the story air across the nation (and internationally thanks to CNN) facilitates appropriate and adequate punishment, then great! I’m all for it!

What would be an appropriate and adequate punishment for their totally inappropriate and over the top behavior? I say fine them, suspend them, and then sue them. Hit them where it hurts. They love their money, their status, and their “power”. Fine them a year or two’s salary. Suspend them for the rest of the season or longer. Sue they’re asses off. And I think there needs to be a little something extra for those players that showed up at the press conference yesterday wearing a smirk and strutting around like what they did was harmless play. These players need to realize we are sick and tired of their juvenile exploits and the embarrassment that goes along with it. Obviously they have no shame.

Of course, not all the blame belongs on the players - the coaches, the owners, and the franchise should take some too. They are family men, they have children. What do they do when their children misbehave? If these players are going to behave like children, then treat them like children and dole out some consequences! Write conduct clauses into the contracts and back them up with action. They made a start by getting rid of Randy Moss, now they need to keep it going and deal with these others.

I may be in the minority with Jim Souhan now, but I certainly hope the minority is finally about to become the majority.

Silver Linings
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Lauren
I can't count the number of times Lauren has been on the verge of tears lately. Last week Monday her preschool teacher reported that Lauren had had a rough day and was on the verge of tears for the whole class. Apparently Lauren has formed quite a bond with the student teacher and she was out sick that day. Of course, now the student teacher has been instructed to put some distance between herself and Lauren. I know it's the right thing to do, but I just hate to imagine my little girl in there feeling lonely.

Tuesday when I arrived at preschool there was a sign on the door indicating parents should pick up their children on the playground. As I walked toward the door, I happily imagined Lauren out there running around with the other kids burning off extra energy. What I found was disappointing, although not necessarily surprising. All the kids were running around making noise. All of them except Lauren. She was sitting on a bench all by herself watching the other kids, none of which even came near her. Of course, my mind immediately brought up the face she makes when she is about to cry - eyes filling with tears, mouth turned down at the corners, the beginnings of a sniffle. I watched for a couple minutes to see if maybe she was just resting. She wasn't. Later when I asked her about it, the only thing she would offer was that she hadn't wanted to play.

This last scene certainly gives me cause to revisit my prediction, but I know it's too early to do that. It's really only the second full week of preschool. I think most of the kids in her class have never been in daycare and, based on attendance during orientation day, not many of them have siblings. It's no wonder none of the kids talk or play with each other during class yet. Not only are they getting used to being away from their stay-at-home parent, but also to being in a class with so many other kids. Actually Lauren has already made a good start on initiating conversations with other kids. She goes right up to other girls in her class while we're waiting for class to start and says hello. I have to believe that will continue to progress and eventually translate to play. While we were talking about class playtime and who she plays with (the student teacher) I tried to plant an idea in her mind of a way to do that by suggesting that next time she ask a classmate to join them. She seemed to like the idea. We'll see.

The tears are not just school related either. Lauren is also on the verge of tears when going to bed at night. For the last month our bedtime ritual has been to read a chapter from a book and then I leave for two minutes during which time Lauren reads two books on her own and hopefully drifts off to sleep. The ritual went well...for a while. Lately, when I leave, she gets teary, her mouth turns down, and her voice cracks as she says "bye bye mommy". Do you know how hard it is to continue with the ritual when presented with that sad little face?! So I give her an extra hug and I head out the door.

I totally understand how Lauren feels and my heart goes out to her, but there are some things she's just going to have to learn on her own. I know the right thing for me to do is to give her time and stay in the background ready with support and encouragement when she needs it. Besides, I'm sure it's just some sort of phase. A little black hovering rain cloud which has a silver lining because they always do. Here it is...just yesterday, out of the blue, Lauren explained to me what she does when she feels sad or lonely. "I calm myself down by thinking about something happy or something fun to do". It seems to me all of these teary episodes have helped Lauren learn an important life lesson about being positive and looking on the bright side.

Did You Know...
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Lauren
wild animals, tigers in particular, can have allergies to pollen? That's right, allergies. We heard it from Lauren the animal expert the other night at dinner. She wasn't too interested in eating much dinner, but that tiger was. At first he simply had a bent ear or chin and needed a bite of broccoli (taken in via Lauren's mouth) to straighten it out, but then he started getting thinner and he needed a bite of cauliflower for that. Eventually he was so thin he was almost disappearing and then he had to have a bite of chicken. It was when that didn't help that Lauren declared "He must have allergies to pollen". Poor tiger - doomed to waste away to nothing no matter how much he eats.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' See Those Eyeballs Rollin'
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Lauren
Yesterday was my day to drop Lauren off at preschool. I was a bit worried because of what happened at the park

At first I thought it was pride - I was proud of her for going into dance class, going into her classroom, getting in there and participating. But then I realized there had to be something else to it. It couldn't be just pride because I teared up at her dance recital and I was definitely proud of her then but it felt different. I think it was really more relief than anything. I was a very shy child and I'm just so relieved that Lauren doesn't have it as bad as I did. It is not fun to be shy, to want to get in there and participate, but not be able to for some totally uncontrollable, subconscious reason, so I am very happy that Lauren's brush with shyness seems to be turning out to be of the more normal variety. My current plan then is, come October, to go into her conference and lay it all out. I was a very shy child, Lauren has had a difficult time with separation/shyness in the past, I was worried that she would have to go through what I went through, and I'm just so relieved to hear that she is doing so well.

I may end up even more embarrassed than I am now, but what the heck? What's a little more embarrassment when face is at stake? during the summer, but I was pleasantly surprised that she did not shed a tear and walked off into the classroom with nary a look back. I was a bit surprised, however, that I was, once again, the one who shed a tear. Last year I was totally taken aback at my reaction when a 3yr old Lauren calmly and happily walked off into dance class with the teacher. Back then I held it together for maybe 30 seconds before the tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks. This time it was only 15 seconds but, thankfully, the tears never left my eyes. Lauren's preschool teacher had come out to say hello and said "Lauren is just eating this up" I nodded and managed a smile as the tears formed. Normally I ignore the tears and hope the other person doesn't notice, but this time I decided I would acknowledge them. I replied to the teacher "It makes me teary to hear you say that." Her response..."Oh really?" I'm sure she wanted to roll her eyes in great big circles at that and she probably promptly catagorized me as one of those mothers who worries about her child having separation issues when it's really she who has the problem. At that point all I could manage was that once Lauren gets to know people, she does much better. I'm sure I put the nail in the coffin with that one since she had just told me that Lauren was "eating it up". My God talk about embarrassed. Even though I knew I should probably just drop it, on the way home I found myself thinking about how I could turn it around. Save face. In order to do that, I had to come up with an excuse and to come up with an excuse I first had to figure out why I teared up in the first place.

Fantasy Meet Reality
Topic: Lauren
At this time last year fantasy and reality were pretty much one and the same for Lauren. She loved to dress up as a princess and marry a prince or she would see a cute puppy on Animal Planet and talk about going into the tv to get it. One short year later and things have changed. We were watching the Princess Bride the other night and at the moment when the bride is kidnapped, Lauren turned to me and said happily, "He can marry me instead!" Then sadly, "Oh wait...he can't come out of the TV to do that." Disappointing the fact that characters can not come out of the television and we cannot go into it may be, there's a more disappointing and potentially more poignant realization coming down the road for my little girl - not all men are princes. Hopefully she won't have to go through many toads before she finds hers.

Preschool - Day 1
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Lauren
I'm declaring day 1 of preschool to be a success! Since Lauren has never been to daycare and the only sitter she ever had was her grandmother, we were sure the drop off would involve not only tears, but flat out crying and maybe a bit of leg hugging as well. Lauren surprised us once again. There were no tears as Tony dropped Lauren off and she even told me later that day that she enjoyed being dropped off. It probably helped that last week there was an ice cream social where we met one of her teachers and then Tuesday was an orientation where everyone arrived as if it were the first day only the class was half the length and the parents stayed. Either way, it's great and definitely a success if your child talks about going to school the next day when there is no school the next day :-)

Time Keeps On Slippin'
Mood:  rushed
Topic: Family and Friends
I met up with an old friend for lunch yesterday and as we talked the subject of family came up. I was talking about how it would be fun next summer because Lauren will learn how to ride her bike without the training wheels when my friend asked how old Lauren was now. I said 4 and you could almost hear his jaw hit the table. He thought she was only 2 and a 1/2! He then went on to say that his twin nieces would be entering college this fall and I pointed out that they couldn't be because they had just been born not too long ago LOL! Continuing on with our topic of family, we realized that these children have grown up not knowing their grandmothers. Not one of my friend's nieces or nephews has ever met his mother and Lauren has never met my mother. We didn't even have to count - it will be 5 years for me and it's been 24 for him. Unbelievable! My God, I never thought it would ever be 5 years and I just can't imagine it will ever be 24! It is just unbelievable that that much time has passed.

Since both of us have lost both of our parents, we both admitted that we think about our own deaths more now than we ever did. For me, I just can't bear to think that some day it will be my turn and I will have to leave my little girl behind. Not only will I have to leave her behind, but she will be in pain and I won't be there to help her through it. No wonder my mom insisted my dad and I hold her hands when the end was near. She had always said she wasn't afraid and I believed her, but I'm sure she had a hard time leaving all the same...just as I will. God, I hope it never comes.