Cancer Sucks!
Mood:  sad
I normally leave book club meetings feeling very content. Even though the five of us aren't in contact with each other over the months in between our meetings, we seem to pick up right where we left off. We catch up on families, careers, travels, current events, etc. It feels like a renewal. This time though, I was deeply saddened and found myself barely holding it together as I walked to my car afterward.

One of the members, who had been absent for the last couple of meetings, had returned. While we were delighted with her return, we were stunned by her news - her mother was recently diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. Incurable. Pallative care only.

I can't explain how news like this hits me. I feel such an intense empathy for my friend and it's takes everything I have not break down in gut-wrenching sobs because I know what's coming and I just can't bear for anyone to have to go through losing a loved one, let alone losing him or her to cancer. I've felt the shock and panic at diagnosis, the despair of the prognosis, the fear at every bump in the road, and the dread when finally this time really is the beginning of the end. I've felt the initial nothingness when the end does come and the subsequent grief. I've felt and will always feel the pain of missing my parents. I know all of this is coming for my friend and I know there is really nothing I can do to make any of it easier.

No Way! Way...
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Books
I happened to mention during my book club meeting last Friday that I made this note on my blog. Imagine my surprise when one friend informed me that we had not been meeting for two years...it's been almost FIVE!! Funny how time flies like that. You'd think since we started shortly before Lauren was born and she'll be five this year, that I would have realized it had been that long. I don't remember any of the books before she was born either. I remember the group choosing The Red Tent and one friend dropping it off at the hospital, but I just can't remember any books before that. Of course, this means we deserve even more kudos and applause for those extra three years :-) But it means something else too. Something more bothersome and haunting to me than not remembering how long we've been meeting. It means my list is incomplete. It is seriously short on titles. And I really dislike incompleteness.

It's The Little Things In Life
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Lauren
Last night, Lauren, who normally refuses to wear a nightgown (as evidenced by the four or so brand new

Ahhh...the life of a child. If only something as simple as the fit of my nightgown were enough to make my day. nightgowns in her closet), wanted to wear a nightgown. She picked one out and insisted on putting it on by herself after which she ran to me with her arms held out, hands just inside the sleeves, a big smile on her face and excitement in her voice, and exclaimed, "Look! It almost fits me! I only have to grow a little before it fits! I only have to be 5 years old and it'll fit!" pause... "I have to go tell dad the good news!"

Ouch!
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Books
All five of us in the book club freely admit that the club was really a ruse for our getting together to have a nice dinner and catch up on each other's lives, but we really do enjoy the reading part too. I've been the keeper of the list of books we've read and suggested titles for future reads and as I was updating it this morning, I found there are some books that I would definitely consider among my favorites

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross

The Kite Runner by Kalihd Hossenini

Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom


and others that I could forget about


Reader by Bernhard Schlink

Chocolat by Joanne Harris

Foreigner by Meg Castaldo

Pact by Walter Roers


I hate to admit it, but three of the four I could forget about were chosen by yours truly. Anyone want to help me out with a recommendation? I really need to improve that track record or I'm going to find that I never seem to get a turn at choosing the next book!

Kudos And A Confession
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Books
A while back my four closest female college friends and I started a book club. We had tried years earlier to do the same thing, but found our lives just a bit too hectic to keep it up for more than 3 months. Not one of us can believe it, but this time around, we've managed to keep it going for over two years and we've read over 30 books! Kudos to us! Yeah! Woohoo! Applause, applause, applause. Thank you.

Now I'll let you in on our shameful little secret. Our meetings take place at various restaurants in the area and generally consist of 15 minutes talk about the book, two hours talk about our lives, followed up by 15 minutes talk of the next meeting, book, and restaurant.

Hey, I never said we were a serious book club ;-)

Please Tell Me It Isn't So
Mood:  down
Topic: Lauren
Lauren had been telling me about a parent's day at school where I could visit and spend the day in her classroom. There was even a new girl in class, Mary, and Lauren was excited about me meeting her. When I asked the teacher about visiting, she said that back when school started this year, one parent spent the day in class and at that time she told the kids that if they wanted to bring their mom or dad to class for the day that it would be OK. Apparently Lauren never forgot about it so we set it up for last Tuesday and it turned out to be an interesting couple of hours. I basically joined Lauren in her activities and talked with the teachers and some of the other kids. I was absolutely not prepared for, and still cannot believe, what I overheard when I took the girls for a bathroom break. Three stalls, five girls. Since week 2 of class the two waiting their turns have been the best of friends, generally sticking together like glue and often ignoring the other kids. The other kids, well...mainly my daughter Lauren, have moved on from wanting to do things with either of these two girls. Oh, the girls are still liked, but the other kids, well...mainly my daughter Lauren, just don't bother trying to play with them. Anyway, one girl turns to the other and says:

#1: M, do you know what I'm going to do tomorrow?

#2: What?

#1: I'm going to play with that new girl and not you because that's what you did to me today.

Is it possible? Could it really be starting at a mere 4 years old? I remember feeling like a third wheel and being envious if two of my friends seemed closer to each other than either was to me, but that wasn't until at least 12! And I certainly don't remember pulling the tit-for-tat thing. When it comes to Lauren, and I admit I may be wrong, although I seriously doubt it, I don't think she would ever say anything like that to a friend. She would be more inclined to come to me or Tony and ask why her friend wasn't playing with her. I'm sure she would be sad and disappointed, and probably confused, but I doubt she'd feel envious and she certainly wouldn't be vengeful. I'm not sure if this behavior is learned or if it's a maturity thing - or would that be an immaturity on the part of a more emotionally mature (i.e. has experienced more emotions) girl? The fact that Lauren hasn't shown this type of behavior means either she's learned by osmosis that it's not acceptable or she just hasn't been exposed to it yet. I know she won't learn it from her parents and I am proud of that fact. Nevertheless, part of me is saddened by the fact that she may end up learning it from others anyway.

On The Flip Side
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Lauren
I'd heard so many times about the little "love affair" that has developed between Lauren and another boy in her class and have waited patiently to see it with my own eyes. That same day I spent the day in class I was able to witness it.

From beginning circle time until the end of class Lauren and M were basically together. They both spent most of their free time at the craft tables, sat side by side during story time, and played together in the gym. Whenever it was time to line up, M would stand behind Lauren with his hands on her arms and not let any other child between them. The teacher did mention that M seemed much more possessive of Lauren the day I was there, but who could blame him? He was losing some of her attention to me. Even so, it certainly was as cute as I'd been told.

It's interesting - the different reactions of a boy vs a girl

All in all, I have to say I'm glad that Lauren has moved on from wanting to be a third party in the girls' friendship and has formed a nice relationship with this boy. I would much rather have her experience a bit of possessiveness from M than resentment from E.
when presented with a loss of attention. M became more possessive and E became more resentful. While I view both reactions in a negative light, the latter just seems so much worse to me. Aside from when it's taken to the extreme, a bit of possessiveness can actually start out feeling sort of nice for the receiver because the person wants to be with you and it's nice to be wanted. Eventually it becomes tiresome, but generally there's no malice as there is with resentment.

What I Learned In My Class
Mood:  lazy
I recently attended a three day class from which I thought I was going to learn some very interesting computer database related stuff. Well, not only was the class not very informative (it was downright boring), but the instructor was one of those people who speak a mile a minute and wander off on multiple tangents that are only vaguely related to the subject.

On the second day, as the instructor talked about indexing, he went on about people not wanting to read a book that was written in alphabetical order. That caught my attention and for the rest of the class I spent my time seeing how far I could get in writing a little something in alphabetical order. My goal was three sentences and by the end of the class I had one down. Here it is:

"Anita's Breakdown Creates Difficult Emotions For Geraldo. However, I Just Keep Laughing, Mimicking Nonchalance. Other People Quickly React, Showing They're Uncomfortable. Very Weird. Xavier? Yolanda? Zip."

I actually made a start on sentence number two... (Anita's brother is Xavier)

"Anita's Brother's Controlled Demeanor Evidently Frazzles Geraldo. He..."


Of course, this will bug me until I reach my goal. Anyone want to help? Come on. It's only another sentence and a half...

S-U-G-A-R Spells Christmas
Mood:  silly
Topic: Lauren
As we traveled over the holidays, we stopped for a quick break and since Lauren declared she was hungry, we bought a bag of pretzels. They weren't just any pretzels...they were cinnamon sugar pretzels and Lauren absolutely loved them. She pronounced them very "Christmas-y". Of course this led me to ask her what Christmas is to her. Here are her answers:

5. Gold, Silver, and Red

4. Ornaments

3. Santa

2. Presents - but not just presents...

and the number one meaning of Christmas - drum roll please

1. Sugar!

Good thing we scheduled a dental appointment for the first week in January!

Music Makes The World Go Round
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Lauren
In a way I'm not surprised Lauren likes music so much since she has relatives on both sides that play several instruments each, enjoy listening to music, and love to dance. She doesn't play an instrument yet, although she talks about wanting to play classical music on a violin when she's older, and she certainly enjoys listening to music. Heck, even in the womb she indicated a preference for R&B by moving around quite actively during Stevie Ray Vaughn numbers.

When riding in my car she still occasionally asks for "I'm a Little Teapot", of which I am growing a bit tired, and Christmas music in general, but she almost always asks for one of the following:

"Mary Had a Little Lamb" by Stevie Ray Vaughn

"Gimme Three Steps" by Lynryd Skynryd

"Runnin' Down the Road" (AKA "Take It Easy") or "Witchy Woman" by the Eagles

anything by the Beatles

Her new favorite is "Shake a Tail Feather" (from the Chicken Little movie) and she really wants me to find that CD. It's by Tommy James and the Shondells and I used to have the album it was on, but I can't seem to find it at the moment. Interesting side bar here - my mom went to school with Mike Vale who was the bass player in the group for a while.

Lauren will dance/bop to all types of music and I can't count the number times I have walked past while she is watching something on PBS or a video from the library and catch her dancing to the music. She's pretty darned good too!

I hope this love for music continues for Lauren because music can be so powerful at times. One can grieve to it, celebrate to it, or make love to it. It can be invigorating or calming. And one can experience things like this and this.

Enjoy some music today.