Doctor Or Me: The Return To The Endocrinologist
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Yours Truly
I had my follow-up visit with the endocrinologist this morning. Please answer me this...What is it with doctors and their inability to listen? It's not like he was behind in his schedule - I was the first appointment of the day!(Grrr!) And I had come prepared too (whine).

I'm not normally a direct person. I tend to take the long way around, you know, hint and hope the other person catches my drift, and I don't usually stand up for myself unless I'm really pushed. This time was different though. I already knew the results from the FNA were benign, so I wasn't too worried on that front, but after the last few weeks of awful, worrisome symptoms, I was prepared to go in to my appointment and make myself be heard...relay the sypmtoms I've been having and ask for the tests I read I should have done (I think I'm hyperthyroid). I was bound and determined to speak up on my own behalf!

The doctor began by reading aloud the results of the ultrasound/FNA (it seems that not only do I have the nodule that was found on the CT scan, but it is actually twice as big. And, AND, I have two more on the other half of my thyroid!) and ended by stating so begins our "formal relationship" - the endocrinologist and me. The nodules will be watched by doing another ultrasound in 5 months.

While I was shocked at the unexpected results, I had come prepared to speak my piece and speak my piece I was going to do. I had waited calmly for the right moment to begin, through the results review and the dictation to my primary care physician, but when I did speak up, I found myself...being...dismissed! I was able to mention two symptoms and was told, as he rose and started toward the door, "Yes, you mentioned that to Dr M. It could be thyroid related, but your level is smack dab in the middle." Good bye, Ta Ta, So Long, Farewell.

Asshole.

Ok. I didn't really mean that, but geez, can't he just listen?!

Here, Have Some Radiation
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Yours Truly
I just have to get this out because I simply cannot believe it. I was actually dumbstruck when I heard. It seems that little old CT scan that my primary care physician ordered wasn't the test he had meant to order. No no no. He meant to order an abdominal ultrasound, but he had a "case of the fat fingers". Granted, they found nodules, but not only was I subjected to 1000 xrays worth of radiation for this incorrect test, now I have to have another scan done in the next year to make sure the lung nodule isn't growing. On top of that, he didn't even realize it had been the wrong test and call me to have me get the correct one!

Thankfully, I caught the error and have had the abdominal ultrasound, but from this day forward this particular doctor will be referred to as "Dr. Fat Fingers".

I Loved Gyros
Mood:  sad
Topic: Yours Truly
Did you notice that? Loved. Past tense. I will probably never eat gyros again. Why? Because I have become immersed in the world of "We don't know what's wrong with you, but we'll start by ruling out the serious stuff and work our way down the list." and it all started after a wonderful gyros salad. Not so wonderful in retrospect and that salad will forever more be linked to my current ordeal.

Let's just say that later that evening I was not feeling well at all. After a few days of upper abdominal/chest pain I went in the doctor to rule out heart problems. One stress test and one fasting cholesterol test later, I was, thankfully, pronounced heart and cholesterol healthy. The pain continued, so on down the list we went. Lungs - they sounded clear. Stomach - I started Prevacid for possible acid reflux, but after no relief had a chest CT. Talk about the worries only starting...the scan showed a 3mm nodule in my lung and a 10mm x 15mm nodule on my thyroid. The lung nodule they said was likely of no concern but a recheck in 6-12 months is in the picture and I was given a referral to an endocrinologist for the thyroid nodule. Three weeks and a lot of panic later, I was scheduled for a thyroid ultrasound and FNA. The results from that showed the nodule was benign - Thank God! I have a follow-up visit next week. Cancer worries abated for the time being, it was back to the upper abdominal pain and on down the list, but not without first taking a little trip to the ER for a jittery, lightheaded feeling. Of course nothing was found. Next came an abdominal ultrasound where the tech, after the standard "we'll read this and send the results on to your doctor", casually mentioned there wasn't anything too exciting going on in there.

I have been poked and prodded so much in the last three months and there is more to come. I now have a referral to a gastroenterologist but not without what is becoming a standard 3 week wait. In the meantime, I get to experience abdominal pain pretty much on a daily basis with some not so lovely lightheadedness and heart palpitations thrown in on top every couple of days.

The search continues...

And It Came To Pass
Mood:  down
Topic: Lauren
Why do the things that you fear the most and expect the least always seem to happen so suddenly? Remember this? I was so sure it wouldn't happen in our household for another couple years that I was totally taken aback and didn't have a single comment prepared when Lauren described her first interactions with one of her new best friends from class.

"When M first came to class I followed her around and she ignored me. Then later she started to follow me around and I ignored her. Do you know why? Because that's what she did to me."

Lauren was very matter-of-fact about it, but the fact that there wasn't really any malice in her tone didn't give me the slightest bit of comfort. You'd think for all of our talk about other people's feelings and begin nice that this one would blow right by us, but no, we're not that lucky. Of course, I was not prepared and the only thing I could come up with was "Oh Lauren, that's not a very nice thing to say or do". How lame is that? Tony, on the other hand, immediately came up with additional comments regarding being the bigger person and not doing something just because someone else does it - especially if it's mean-spirited. I told him right then that either he gets to handle everything or I have to get busy and prepare for all of those things I know are coming - even if I don't want them to or don't expect them for a few years. Geesh...you just can't let your guard down for one minute, can you?!

One thing I am happy about, one silver lining that makes it not quite as bad as the linked post situation...she made the comment to me and not to her new friend.

Sentence Number Two
Mood:  a-ok
Here it is...the first sentence followed by the SECOND SENTENCE! of my project.

Anita's Breakdown Creates Difficult Emotions For Geraldo. However, I Just Keep Laughing, Mimicking Nonchalance. Other People Quickly React, Showing They're Uncomfortable. Very Weird. Xavier? Yolanda? Zip.

Anita's Brother's Controlled Demeanor Elicits Fresh Guffaws, However Inappropriate. Judgemental Kinfolk Leer Menacingly. No One Portrays Quiet Respectfulness. Suddenly, They Utter Vulgarities, Well-worn X-rated Yips. Zowie!


Only one more to go.

Dress Up That Look With A Touch Of Metal
Mood:  silly
Topic: Lauren
As Tony and I sat discussing the condition of our teeth, prompted by his recent visit to the dentist, Lauren played nearby. Tony didn't necessarily agree, but I thought he would not have had to have so much work done over the years had he gone the route of braces and/or if they had pulled a few teeth 25 or so years ago. He doesn't have even the slightest bit of wiggle room in his mouth because he has "a full set" as the dentists like to say when they look in his mouth. Personally, I don't have a lot of room either but I'm 8 short of a full set (pulled 4, braces, then pulled all 4 wisdom teeth), so I do have a bit more than Tony does. The conversation eventually turned toward the genetic factor as it tends to do with all parents. Would Lauren inherit my pretty darn good enamel or Tony's weakened version? Would she luck out with Tony's wider jaw line? What about the actual tooth size - mine or his? She seems to have a wide jaw and she has the space between her baby teeth that the dentist always says is a good thing (Tony doesn't remember the spacing of his baby teeth and I know mine had no space whatsoever), but we cross our fingers anyway and hope she ends up with the best of both worlds. At the end of the conversation I said I hoped she wouldn't have to have braces when she was older at which she perked up from the other side of the room and declared "But I want braces when I'm older. I want them because then I'll look fancy"

Cancer Sucks!
Mood:  sad
I normally leave book club meetings feeling very content. Even though the five of us aren't in contact with each other over the months in between our meetings, we seem to pick up right where we left off. We catch up on families, careers, travels, current events, etc. It feels like a renewal. This time though, I was deeply saddened and found myself barely holding it together as I walked to my car afterward.

One of the members, who had been absent for the last couple of meetings, had returned. While we were delighted with her return, we were stunned by her news - her mother was recently diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. Incurable. Pallative care only.

I can't explain how news like this hits me. I feel such an intense empathy for my friend and it's takes everything I have not break down in gut-wrenching sobs because I know what's coming and I just can't bear for anyone to have to go through losing a loved one, let alone losing him or her to cancer. I've felt the shock and panic at diagnosis, the despair of the prognosis, the fear at every bump in the road, and the dread when finally this time really is the beginning of the end. I've felt the initial nothingness when the end does come and the subsequent grief. I've felt and will always feel the pain of missing my parents. I know all of this is coming for my friend and I know there is really nothing I can do to make any of it easier.

No Way! Way...
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Books
I happened to mention during my book club meeting last Friday that I made this note on my blog. Imagine my surprise when one friend informed me that we had not been meeting for two years...it's been almost FIVE!! Funny how time flies like that. You'd think since we started shortly before Lauren was born and she'll be five this year, that I would have realized it had been that long. I don't remember any of the books before she was born either. I remember the group choosing The Red Tent and one friend dropping it off at the hospital, but I just can't remember any books before that. Of course, this means we deserve even more kudos and applause for those extra three years :-) But it means something else too. Something more bothersome and haunting to me than not remembering how long we've been meeting. It means my list is incomplete. It is seriously short on titles. And I really dislike incompleteness.

It's The Little Things In Life
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Lauren
Last night, Lauren, who normally refuses to wear a nightgown (as evidenced by the four or so brand new

Ahhh...the life of a child. If only something as simple as the fit of my nightgown were enough to make my day. nightgowns in her closet), wanted to wear a nightgown. She picked one out and insisted on putting it on by herself after which she ran to me with her arms held out, hands just inside the sleeves, a big smile on her face and excitement in her voice, and exclaimed, "Look! It almost fits me! I only have to grow a little before it fits! I only have to be 5 years old and it'll fit!" pause... "I have to go tell dad the good news!"

Ouch!
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Books
All five of us in the book club freely admit that the club was really a ruse for our getting together to have a nice dinner and catch up on each other's lives, but we really do enjoy the reading part too. I've been the keeper of the list of books we've read and suggested titles for future reads and as I was updating it this morning, I found there are some books that I would definitely consider among my favorites

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross

The Kite Runner by Kalihd Hossenini

Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom


and others that I could forget about


Reader by Bernhard Schlink

Chocolat by Joanne Harris

Foreigner by Meg Castaldo

Pact by Walter Roers


I hate to admit it, but three of the four I could forget about were chosen by yours truly. Anyone want to help me out with a recommendation? I really need to improve that track record or I'm going to find that I never seem to get a turn at choosing the next book!