Books! Books! Books!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Books
We love to read. Here are some of our favorites:

Shel Silverstein
The Giving Tree
The Missing Piece
The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

Kevin Henkes
Chrysanthemum
Weekend With Wendell
Chester's Way
Lily's Purple Plastic Purse

Maurice Sendak
Where the Wild Things Are
In the Night Kitchen

Mo Williams
Don't Let the Pidgeon Drive the Bus

Mercer Mayer
Little Critter series
There's a Nightmare in My Closet

Jez Alborough
Where's My Teddy?
My Friend Bear

Sarah Wilson
Love and Kisses

Susan Heyboer O'Keefe
One Hungry Monster

Alternate Transportation Please
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: Cool
I started out on a 3 hour drive (work related) expecting to listen to the radio. Unfortunately, about an hour in, I found I could not get any (and I mean any) stations to come in. Thankfully, I had a Stevie Ray Vaughn CD and a cheesy Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack to occupy my time. I also had two CDs of children's songs, sung in children's voice, but I just didn't want those. After listening to the soundtrack once and Stevie two or three times, I knew I would need something new for the return trip to help keep me awake. After my work was finished, I worked my way through the CD section at Target where nothing really jumped out at me. Although I love classical music, and there are certainly selections that would keep me awake, I didn’t really want it. I also did not want any of the sets of dance, hip hop, or hard rock music. I ended up with Lynryd Skynryd and I knew it was the perfect choice when the first song started - Sweet Home Alabama. Then there was Gimme Three Steps, which is my favorite from the CD, Saturday Night Special and the famous Free Bird. It was the perfect mix of blues, rock, and honky tonk and not only did it bring me home, it brought me home baby. It brought me back to freshman year of my college days when I used to hit the bars where one band in particular would play. I can still picture the people I hung with and the dance moves we performed at certain parts of different songs. It brought back Spanish class conversation time when I mentioned that I liked Lynryd Skynryd and another student piped up with his comment on how it was “musica de droga”. It is so cool how music can take one back.

It also got me thinking...if I were a famous musician, I’d think twice before traveling by plane. Ronnie Van Zant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, Otis Redding, John Denver…

Dad's Turn
Mood:  blue
Topic: Family and Friends
I posted about my mom for the 4th anniversary of her death, so now it's my dad's turn. Today is the 4th anniversary of his death from lung cancer.

My dad didn't have the easiest life. He was the 8th of 10 children in a family of drinkers/smokers and he followed in those footsteps. He eventually quit drinking and smoking, but it had done it's damage both physically and emotionally. He didn't really show much in the way of emotions and he didn't talk much either, but underneath the hard exterior he was really just a big softy.

He enjoyed camping and made the best scrambled eggs and bacon over a campfire. He enjoyed a good prank and good game of Canasta. He really enjoyed bowling, was a member of numerous leagues, and was extremely good at it. I like the story about the time he was on his way to a 300 - the perfect game. It takes 12 strikes in a row to have a perfect game. My dad had rolled 11 and as he went up for his final ball, another member of his team said "Here's your 300 Bill". That was enough to throw him off and he missed by two pins. His score came to 298. He enjoyed spending time with his two grandsons and he was the only person that said I would have a girl. I'm sure Lauren would be treasure to him. In fact, on one of my visits, when I was 4 months pregnant, I took him to get groceries. Weak from chemo and having difficulty breathing, he refused to let me carry in the groceries. He insisted on doing it himself because he didn't want me to take the chance of losing a third baby. I told him I was past the miscarriage point, but he teared up and said it was just too important. Tears from a man who never showed his emotions.

My fondest memory of him will always be my first trip home from college. It was for Thanksgiving break and the minute I walked in the door he came over and gave me the biggest hug I ever remember him giving.

I can still feel it now.

I'm Ready But I'm Not Ready
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Lauren
I will be going away for a couple of days for work starting tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm very excited and relieved to finally have some time to myself. I’ll be free to be alone and enjoy what I want to enjoy pretty much when I want to enjoy it (aside from the work part of the trip). I will get a good night sleep with no interruptions because Lauren wants a drink or is hungry or has to pee. I’m hoping to wake up feeling refreshed – something that has not happened probably since I married.

On the other hand, I'm nervous and leery. What if DH, who sleeps by himself because he stays up very, very late, doesn’t take my place with Lauren and she is alone. Or what if DH, because he’s used to sleeping alone, gets no sleep at all?

And I'm sad. This will be the first time I’ll be away from my baby girl overnight - ever. It has been 3 yrs, 8 months, and 17 days since Lauren was born and while I have not always co-slept in the same bed as her, I have always slept in the same room. I won’t get her goodnight kisses nor will I get to feel her little body cuddled up next to mine. And my biggest fear of all, albeit a ridiculous and total improbability – what if Lauren doesn’t miss me?

Tell Me Again - How Old Is She?
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Lauren
I cannot count the number of times lately that I have had to remind myself Lauren is only three. I listen to her conversations with us or with herself as she plays and I feel as if I’m listening to a 6 or 7 year old. Her speaking ability and vocabulary are absolutely wonderful, although no one outside of the family would know this because she only talks the ears off her parents and grandmother. I’ve heard her say things like, "I think I'll go down to my local library” and "I think that's a bit too difficult for me." And last week I was told the scribbled comments on her drawing for a friend said "Dear Jeanie, Here is a drawing I made for you. I'm sure you'll like it. Love, Lauren." Hmmm…just reading the words doesn’t quite convey my point. Maybe you need to hear the words along with her inflection to truly understand why I say this – it’s just so adult-like.

On the flip side, I've become so used to her “being 6 or 7” that I am totally taken aback when she launches into a meltdown or collapses into a sobbing heap in the middle of whatever room she happens to be in. It is then that it comes flooding back to me that she is, after all, only three.

Wowee!
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Lauren
I cannot believe the most recent change in Lauren.

She has always been a very cautious child, very attached to me and DH. Not two months ago she always had to have one of us right by her side, she wouldn't talk much to anyone outside of immediate family (she talks our ears off), and she wouldn't really play much with other kids. Oh, she'd play next to them, but the minute they asked her to play with them, she would hightail it back to me and tell me that she didn't want to play with that girl.

Now, all of a sudden, she is going off to the other side of the playground, out of sight of me or DH, she is saying "have a nice day" to cashiers, bank tellers, my co-workers, and she is grabbing other girl's hands and "forcing" them to play with her by leading them around and showing or telling them what to do. What an explosion in extroversion. It is really beyond me.

What a difference a couple months makes!

Just Call Me Rosanne Rosannadanna
Mood:  spacey
Topic: Rants
For the past 'I don't know how many' years, a lane along one side of the highway I take to and from work every day has been an HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane, or sane lane as we lay folk like to call it. Starting in May 2005 it will no longer be an HOV lane; it will be an HOT (High Occupancy Toll) lane. Single occupancy vehicles will now be able to buy their way onto the lane.

My day starts early so on the way in to work, I usually have no problem with traffic. But on the way home it can be a bear. I decided I was going to sign up for the pass for those times when I really needed to get home in a timelier manner. Monday, April 11th was the day we could begin signing up for the transponder that would allow use of the new toll lane to non-commuter vehicles. I went to sign up online only to realize I needed our license plate numbers in order to open an account. I figured I would get the numbers and sign up Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I went online and found the site did not have the standard https in the url to indicate a secure site. Since I had to give my credit card number, I surely did not want to take the chance that the site was an insecure site. I decided to go in person to the DMV office mentioned online to sign up. Later that morning I finally had Lauren on board with running errands by agreeing that one of them would be to go to the indoor playground. We were off…only I had forgotten that my car was already beeping at me Monday night to feed it some gas, so we sweated out our the 15 mile drive to a Costco station near the DMV office. Of course, it was then that I realized I had left my credit card at home. Not only did I need that card to purchase gas, but I needed it to sign up for the pass. So I emptied out my wallet filling the tank with gas from a regular station and headed home for the card. Then it was back to the DMV office. We went in, patiently stood in line (only two people in front of us, so not too hard to do), and approached the counter.

Me: “Is this where we get the pass?”
DMV: “What?” (With a puzzled expression)
Me: “Is this where we get the pass?”
DMV: “What pass?” (With the same puzzled expression)
Me: “For the HOV lane”
DMV: blank look
Me: “The commuter lane”
DMV: blank look and just as I was about to spell it out in the simplest of terms
DMV: “Oh, you mean the sane lane?”
Me: “Yes” (you idiot)

Now, you’d think since they work for the department of motor vehicles, they would know about the pass, or at least what the friggin’ HOV lane is! All this for a pass I was only going to use on rare occasions. They gave me a number to call. I was pissed. Sure, the first trip was my fault for not having my credit card, but I had just driven 60+ miles just to have the DMV say "what?" so the anger at myself was conveniently transferred to the DMV boneheads.

Eventually I did get signed up for the pass. Then I checked the website to find out the why the DMV didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

The office listed was a DOT (department of transportation) office, not a DMV office.

Never mind.

Best Friends
Mood:  blue
Topic: Family and Friends
It dawned on me the other day that I no longer have a best friend...someone who knows me better than anyone else, knows when something is bothering me, cries with me, and celebrates with me. Someone who would help me in any way he/she could, give me the shirt off his/her back.

Then I realized what I was really thinking of was a parent.

This blue mood shouldn't surprise me. April 27th will be the 4th anniversary of my father's death. Because he passed away so soon after my mother (5 months), the anniversary of his death inevitably brings up all the feelings associated with my mother's death. A two-for-one if you will.

My parents may not have been Ward and June Cleaver (who's are?), but they were my parents and they knew me better than anyone else did, does, or will. And I miss them.

Enough Already
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Rants
Let the poor woman go.

It's Not Your Fault
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Rants
A friend's child was recently diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and when they were told, they invariably received the "It's nothing you did, it's not your fault" line. Tony and I received the exact same words when Lauren was diagnosed with BPES. I know why they deliver the line, but WHY…do they…always…deliver…the…line? It's always the first line they deliver too.

In our cases, the disorders are genetic – would anyone of average and above intelligence really believe they are at fault? What in the world could they have done?

Or, perhaps the question would be, what did they NOT do?

During the first few months after conception, genes are busy dividing like crazy and trying to get to where they are supposed to be. Maybe we are somehow supposed to rein them in, keep them in check. "Hey you, FoxL2, stop that and get back to your natural order" or “I said no. Stop that dividing right now – there’s only supposed to be two of you”. Kids don't always listen and do as you request when they're full-fledged human beings living in this world, why would they listen and do as requested when they're safely tucked inside the womb? Besides, what are you going to do if they don't listen? You can't grab them by the arm, drag their screaming butts down the hall, and shut them in a time-out with a "You can come out when you're ready to cooperate".

But kids are bombarded with all kinds of distractions, you say, while there’s not much going on inside the womb aside from the dividing. Well, there are about 25,000 gene pairs all trying to get to where they're supposed to go and be lined up nice and neat once they get there. But they’re programmed to know where to go, you add. Have you ever gone to a sporting event with thousands of people - all cramming the doors trying to get where they are supposed to be? They know where their seats are too, but it doesn’t make it any easier, any neater, or any faster. It's truly a miracle those genes end up exactly where they're supposed to in such a short amount of time and they all get there nice and neat.

Lest you think I’m unfeeling or don’t get it, I get it. I’m a mother. I understand about guilt. I know why they deliver the line.

But WHY…do they…always…deliver…the…line?