I Loved Gyros
Mood:  sad
Topic: Yours Truly
Did you notice that? Loved. Past tense. I will probably never eat gyros again. Why? Because I have become immersed in the world of "We don't know what's wrong with you, but we'll start by ruling out the serious stuff and work our way down the list." and it all started after a wonderful gyros salad. Not so wonderful in retrospect and that salad will forever more be linked to my current ordeal.

Let's just say that later that evening I was not feeling well at all. After a few days of upper abdominal/chest pain I went in the doctor to rule out heart problems. One stress test and one fasting cholesterol test later, I was, thankfully, pronounced heart and cholesterol healthy. The pain continued, so on down the list we went. Lungs - they sounded clear. Stomach - I started Prevacid for possible acid reflux, but after no relief had a chest CT. Talk about the worries only starting...the scan showed a 3mm nodule in my lung and a 10mm x 15mm nodule on my thyroid. The lung nodule they said was likely of no concern but a recheck in 6-12 months is in the picture and I was given a referral to an endocrinologist for the thyroid nodule. Three weeks and a lot of panic later, I was scheduled for a thyroid ultrasound and FNA. The results from that showed the nodule was benign - Thank God! I have a follow-up visit next week. Cancer worries abated for the time being, it was back to the upper abdominal pain and on down the list, but not without first taking a little trip to the ER for a jittery, lightheaded feeling. Of course nothing was found. Next came an abdominal ultrasound where the tech, after the standard "we'll read this and send the results on to your doctor", casually mentioned there wasn't anything too exciting going on in there.

I have been poked and prodded so much in the last three months and there is more to come. I now have a referral to a gastroenterologist but not without what is becoming a standard 3 week wait. In the meantime, I get to experience abdominal pain pretty much on a daily basis with some not so lovely lightheadedness and heart palpitations thrown in on top every couple of days.

The search continues...

And It Came To Pass
Mood:  down
Topic: Lauren
Why do the things that you fear the most and expect the least always seem to happen so suddenly? Remember this? I was so sure it wouldn't happen in our household for another couple years that I was totally taken aback and didn't have a single comment prepared when Lauren described her first interactions with one of her new best friends from class.

"When M first came to class I followed her around and she ignored me. Then later she started to follow me around and I ignored her. Do you know why? Because that's what she did to me."

Lauren was very matter-of-fact about it, but the fact that there wasn't really any malice in her tone didn't give me the slightest bit of comfort. You'd think for all of our talk about other people's feelings and begin nice that this one would blow right by us, but no, we're not that lucky. Of course, I was not prepared and the only thing I could come up with was "Oh Lauren, that's not a very nice thing to say or do". How lame is that? Tony, on the other hand, immediately came up with additional comments regarding being the bigger person and not doing something just because someone else does it - especially if it's mean-spirited. I told him right then that either he gets to handle everything or I have to get busy and prepare for all of those things I know are coming - even if I don't want them to or don't expect them for a few years. Geesh...you just can't let your guard down for one minute, can you?!

One thing I am happy about, one silver lining that makes it not quite as bad as the linked post situation...she made the comment to me and not to her new friend.

Sentence Number Two
Mood:  a-ok
Here it is...the first sentence followed by the SECOND SENTENCE! of my project.

Anita's Breakdown Creates Difficult Emotions For Geraldo. However, I Just Keep Laughing, Mimicking Nonchalance. Other People Quickly React, Showing They're Uncomfortable. Very Weird. Xavier? Yolanda? Zip.

Anita's Brother's Controlled Demeanor Elicits Fresh Guffaws, However Inappropriate. Judgemental Kinfolk Leer Menacingly. No One Portrays Quiet Respectfulness. Suddenly, They Utter Vulgarities, Well-worn X-rated Yips. Zowie!


Only one more to go.

Dress Up That Look With A Touch Of Metal
Mood:  silly
Topic: Lauren
As Tony and I sat discussing the condition of our teeth, prompted by his recent visit to the dentist, Lauren played nearby. Tony didn't necessarily agree, but I thought he would not have had to have so much work done over the years had he gone the route of braces and/or if they had pulled a few teeth 25 or so years ago. He doesn't have even the slightest bit of wiggle room in his mouth because he has "a full set" as the dentists like to say when they look in his mouth. Personally, I don't have a lot of room either but I'm 8 short of a full set (pulled 4, braces, then pulled all 4 wisdom teeth), so I do have a bit more than Tony does. The conversation eventually turned toward the genetic factor as it tends to do with all parents. Would Lauren inherit my pretty darn good enamel or Tony's weakened version? Would she luck out with Tony's wider jaw line? What about the actual tooth size - mine or his? She seems to have a wide jaw and she has the space between her baby teeth that the dentist always says is a good thing (Tony doesn't remember the spacing of his baby teeth and I know mine had no space whatsoever), but we cross our fingers anyway and hope she ends up with the best of both worlds. At the end of the conversation I said I hoped she wouldn't have to have braces when she was older at which she perked up from the other side of the room and declared "But I want braces when I'm older. I want them because then I'll look fancy"

Cancer Sucks!
Mood:  sad
I normally leave book club meetings feeling very content. Even though the five of us aren't in contact with each other over the months in between our meetings, we seem to pick up right where we left off. We catch up on families, careers, travels, current events, etc. It feels like a renewal. This time though, I was deeply saddened and found myself barely holding it together as I walked to my car afterward.

One of the members, who had been absent for the last couple of meetings, had returned. While we were delighted with her return, we were stunned by her news - her mother was recently diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. Incurable. Pallative care only.

I can't explain how news like this hits me. I feel such an intense empathy for my friend and it's takes everything I have not break down in gut-wrenching sobs because I know what's coming and I just can't bear for anyone to have to go through losing a loved one, let alone losing him or her to cancer. I've felt the shock and panic at diagnosis, the despair of the prognosis, the fear at every bump in the road, and the dread when finally this time really is the beginning of the end. I've felt the initial nothingness when the end does come and the subsequent grief. I've felt and will always feel the pain of missing my parents. I know all of this is coming for my friend and I know there is really nothing I can do to make any of it easier.

No Way! Way...
Mood:  surprised
Topic: Books
I happened to mention during my book club meeting last Friday that I made this note on my blog. Imagine my surprise when one friend informed me that we had not been meeting for two years...it's been almost FIVE!! Funny how time flies like that. You'd think since we started shortly before Lauren was born and she'll be five this year, that I would have realized it had been that long. I don't remember any of the books before she was born either. I remember the group choosing The Red Tent and one friend dropping it off at the hospital, but I just can't remember any books before that. Of course, this means we deserve even more kudos and applause for those extra three years :-) But it means something else too. Something more bothersome and haunting to me than not remembering how long we've been meeting. It means my list is incomplete. It is seriously short on titles. And I really dislike incompleteness.

It's The Little Things In Life
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Lauren
Last night, Lauren, who normally refuses to wear a nightgown (as evidenced by the four or so brand new

Ahhh...the life of a child. If only something as simple as the fit of my nightgown were enough to make my day. nightgowns in her closet), wanted to wear a nightgown. She picked one out and insisted on putting it on by herself after which she ran to me with her arms held out, hands just inside the sleeves, a big smile on her face and excitement in her voice, and exclaimed, "Look! It almost fits me! I only have to grow a little before it fits! I only have to be 5 years old and it'll fit!" pause... "I have to go tell dad the good news!"

Ouch!
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Books
All five of us in the book club freely admit that the club was really a ruse for our getting together to have a nice dinner and catch up on each other's lives, but we really do enjoy the reading part too. I've been the keeper of the list of books we've read and suggested titles for future reads and as I was updating it this morning, I found there are some books that I would definitely consider among my favorites

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross

The Kite Runner by Kalihd Hossenini

Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom


and others that I could forget about


Reader by Bernhard Schlink

Chocolat by Joanne Harris

Foreigner by Meg Castaldo

Pact by Walter Roers


I hate to admit it, but three of the four I could forget about were chosen by yours truly. Anyone want to help me out with a recommendation? I really need to improve that track record or I'm going to find that I never seem to get a turn at choosing the next book!

Kudos And A Confession
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Books
A while back my four closest female college friends and I started a book club. We had tried years earlier to do the same thing, but found our lives just a bit too hectic to keep it up for more than 3 months. Not one of us can believe it, but this time around, we've managed to keep it going for over two years and we've read over 30 books! Kudos to us! Yeah! Woohoo! Applause, applause, applause. Thank you.

Now I'll let you in on our shameful little secret. Our meetings take place at various restaurants in the area and generally consist of 15 minutes talk about the book, two hours talk about our lives, followed up by 15 minutes talk of the next meeting, book, and restaurant.

Hey, I never said we were a serious book club ;-)

Please Tell Me It Isn't So
Mood:  down
Topic: Lauren
Lauren had been telling me about a parent's day at school where I could visit and spend the day in her classroom. There was even a new girl in class, Mary, and Lauren was excited about me meeting her. When I asked the teacher about visiting, she said that back when school started this year, one parent spent the day in class and at that time she told the kids that if they wanted to bring their mom or dad to class for the day that it would be OK. Apparently Lauren never forgot about it so we set it up for last Tuesday and it turned out to be an interesting couple of hours. I basically joined Lauren in her activities and talked with the teachers and some of the other kids. I was absolutely not prepared for, and still cannot believe, what I overheard when I took the girls for a bathroom break. Three stalls, five girls. Since week 2 of class the two waiting their turns have been the best of friends, generally sticking together like glue and often ignoring the other kids. The other kids, well...mainly my daughter Lauren, have moved on from wanting to do things with either of these two girls. Oh, the girls are still liked, but the other kids, well...mainly my daughter Lauren, just don't bother trying to play with them. Anyway, one girl turns to the other and says:

#1: M, do you know what I'm going to do tomorrow?

#2: What?

#1: I'm going to play with that new girl and not you because that's what you did to me today.

Is it possible? Could it really be starting at a mere 4 years old? I remember feeling like a third wheel and being envious if two of my friends seemed closer to each other than either was to me, but that wasn't until at least 12! And I certainly don't remember pulling the tit-for-tat thing. When it comes to Lauren, and I admit I may be wrong, although I seriously doubt it, I don't think she would ever say anything like that to a friend. She would be more inclined to come to me or Tony and ask why her friend wasn't playing with her. I'm sure she would be sad and disappointed, and probably confused, but I doubt she'd feel envious and she certainly wouldn't be vengeful. I'm not sure if this behavior is learned or if it's a maturity thing - or would that be an immaturity on the part of a more emotionally mature (i.e. has experienced more emotions) girl? The fact that Lauren hasn't shown this type of behavior means either she's learned by osmosis that it's not acceptable or she just hasn't been exposed to it yet. I know she won't learn it from her parents and I am proud of that fact. Nevertheless, part of me is saddened by the fact that she may end up learning it from others anyway.